Job Descriptions

• An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

• An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

• An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predic-ted yesterday didn’t  happen today.

• A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

• An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

• A programmer is someone who solves a problem     you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

• A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room  looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

• A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

• A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

• A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

• A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

• A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

• A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.